Roll The Dice

Time for an update. It’s been a while, Scaddies. (Or non-Scaddies. I can’t anticipate who’s going to stumble across this thing, can I?)

Lately I’ve been having emo fests. October 3rd was my 18th birthday - something that should’ve been a happy time full of smiles and joy, right? Well, I dyed my hair. Like I was planning to do for ever so long. But I didn’t buy toner, so now it’s an ugly, brassy yellow. I was depressed about that for a long while, but I’m kind of over it now. I’ve been hiding under my favorite (and only) gray hat for the past week.

Once I finally got my card back (that was a few weeks ago I think?), I dropped approx. 600 bucks in a single day. I felt REALLY good after that. (Sarcasm.) And what did I spend it on? You know what, I really don’t know. Most of it went towards Hot Topic shit, and I took the corset back because a.) It didn’t really fit and I didn’t feel like waiting to lose weight to get into it, and b.) I needed the money. And it wasn’t even as much as I originally thought. Corsets are usually 40-something in HT, but for now they’ve all been 29. So the skirts that match them actually cost more. Which is stupid. I kept the skirt that I got just because it was too damn cute. And there’s even another one I have my eye on, but I didn’t go after it because of a.) money, and b.) I have too many bottoms and not enough tops.

Okay, sorry, I had a total girly moment there. But yes, being without cash depresses me. I brought Batman: Arkham Asylum and Halo 3: ODST because I wanted them, but I brought them from BEST BUY. Not. Smart. Best Buy doesn’t let you return new video games like GameStop or FYE do. I beat Batman in like… 2-3 days? 60 bucks in 2-3 days, ugh. I’ll give it its props, however. I enjoyed it immensely, and it wasn’t the 100% cakewalk that Mirror’s Edge or Prince of Persia were (don’t get me wrong, I love and highly enjoy those games). But yes, that was 120 bucks right there, and I had to buy a router for our room, which was another 120 bucks. 240 bucks in a single store and I WASN’T buying a computer or TV. Wow. On the plus side, I enjoy that damned router. It’s the has the fastest connection on our side of the dorm, and it downloads things like a dream. Luna gets her kudos for that; Netgear is a beast.

Now, my parents put more money into my account the Monday after the birthday. But it was only 125 bucks. I’ve already tore through it, too, in a sense. 50 bucks just went to boots I brought. (A late birthday present to myself.) Nearly 17 to the toner and a tint brush, which should arrive today or tomorrow (and it better). I need to buy the red dye I’m going to use on my hair after the toner, get my hair done at a salon, and I’m anticipating buying more art supplies soon for some reason. (I already need a T-Square and a 30/60 triangle.) On top of all of that, I’m fucking sick. I there’s almost nothing I hate more about being sick than having a stuffy nose. It’s annoying as SHIT. It’s not as bad now, but the first 2 days/nights? Ugh.

Then one day, after my roomie left (I only have one now, the other ’stingy’ one move din with her friend), I totally broke down and had a utter diva moment. I don’t like crying, but it had struck me that I hadn’t been truly happy since I’ve been down here. Bad things have happened to me since Day 1 almost, and certain people or things around me haven’t been helping that much.

I’ve been lonelier than I have ever been in my entire life. All my other friends at least have SOMEBODY. They’ve either already made very good friends, or they’re still with people they know. I have NO one here. Yes, my roomie and I are friendly, but we’ll never be good friends until we know one another for like a year or two. In fact, it’s not even that I necessarily need my old friends. I’m lonely in the sense that I, as in my feelings and thoughts, am alone. If I could at least meet some person who shares my likes and dislikes as well as my pain, be it a potential boyfriend or just a normal friend, I could be at ease. And it’s ANNOYING AS FUCK when people say to others, “Talk to others!” or “Join a club/extra-curricular activities!” Being a happy-ass outgoing fuckerbean and being a part EVERYTHING will not solve every problem. I HAVE been talking to others and I AM getting involved in things. I just started this shit. I’m smarter than 98% of the dumbasses I know. Don’t give me ADVICE, don’t tell ME that shit. I’m the only who usually consoles or lectures YOU. You’re not helping and you damn sure aren’t giving me any new information. And then some people have the nerve to emo as well, for reasons SO much inferior to my own, and when I try to break the ice or cheer them up (at my own expense, because it’s hard to keep constantly re-crafting my facade after it keeps crumbling), they shoot me down?

No. Only I’m allowed to emo. Me and me alone. Because that’s all that I am right now, in this place.

Alone.

Hmm, am I the only person who finds it strange that on the VERY first day of classes, me, a person who tends to be completely aware of everything all the time, lost my school ID AND my debit card in a single go?

It was stupid of me to have put them in my pocket. But silly ass Dice shoves the plastic holder and lanyard into her pocket and shoves off on her bike, happily as if it could NEVER fall out. But it did. And worst part of all is probably that I have absolutely no other available money. After deactivating the card (I did it immediately before anyone had a chance to use it; THANK SATAN), they told me that I had to wait 5-7 business days for a new card to be mailed to me.

So I am moneyless for up to a week. When there’s supplies I need and textbooks I have to order. This is the worst week of my life. If you get to know me really well, you’ll find out that I HATE borrowing. It’s degrading, embarrassing, frustrating. It’s even twice as horrible when you have a stingy roomie or you’re surrounded by thousands of people you don’t know. I’ve been upset for the past day and a half about it, and I probably won’t be myself 100% again until that card’s back in my hands.

On a much lighter note, I’m enjoying the school very much. Living on my own is very pleasing and I feel quite independent. I am determined to get my work done and do it to the best of my ability (partially because I want to for my own satisfaction, partially so that my parents will willingly buy me a computer). SCAD is a ton of fun, I love the setup of everything. There’s a ton of things that we have here that many others don’t at their schools (like 2 swimming pools, our own sub/smoothie shop, our own coffee houses and diners, a buffet-style dining hall with some made-to-order items and rotating dish disposal trays, a 4-story art supply/book/college clothing/textbook store with another coffee house, a student center with sleeping pods and pool tables, and much, much more). So I am pretty thankful for our wonderful facilities. I’m telling people that one of my middle names is Kandice so that I have a better excuse for being called Dice. What people don’t know won’t hurt em’. (Seriously, it’s like, who’s gonna read this blog? Maybe 2 people at most.)

I needed to blog badly, however. It helps to relieve stress… for me, anyways. I’ll blog again when I find the time and something interesting to talk about. Do your best, Scaddies!

… Strange name, isn’t it?

People love to roll them, but as a name, it doesn’t exactly roll right off the tongue. It’s also a hard name to associate with a person. A nickname like “Kitty” is for a cat-like or playful person, just like how “Rocky” sounds like a fighter or someone sporting a short-tempered attitude. But nobody can be like dice. That just doesn’t make sense. Unless they’re boxy, like to do somersaults, and covered in dots.

“Why did you choose it then,” is what you’re saying, right? I’ll tell you why.

What are dice? A die is a gambling mechanism. Duh. You knew that. Every time those little squares go flying, something’s happening. The number that they bring up isn’t in your hands, your opponent’s hands, or even in yo mama’s hands. It’s up to fate. It’s destiny. Lady Luck and Lady Kismet are somewhat both one in the same, as they both decide your outcome.

Despite the fact you never know exactly what’s coming, you have some control over it. The Lady has the final say, of course, but you were the one who paved the path to get there. Therefore, my name change actually isn’t so drastic. Previously, my name was Kismet. I chose that name because I firmly believed that I was in control of my own destiny. I realize now that this is not so. But rather, it is the Lady and I who work together in order to create my fate. Do not be confused, the Lady is not in total control. She only ends whatever it is that you start.

After all, isn’t it we ourselves who roll the dice?