Living Falling Down

I would like, if I may, to share some truths with you of which you may or may not be aware.

1. You are the chimney of your pants.

Think about it. If your jeans, or slacks, or tear-away atrocities were buildings of some sort, your torso would be the chimney, or quite possibly the attic (which could lead into a strange metaphor about how your ideas and thoughts are the lost and probably forgotten skis and boxes of clothing up there, but I’m not really sure where that would lead). So, in light of this enlightening revelation, I ask you all to clean out your flue.

2. Wherever you go, there you are.

This is one of those few statements that is always completely true…unless you’re not exactly where you are, in which case you’ve either slipped halfway into an alternate dimension or have become dismembered. Either way, you might be in trouble.

3. It would be funny if it weren’t so painful.

Take a moment to process this one: You see a man fall down a set of stairs and then face first into a cake, you’re going to laugh. Especially if it’s on television and hilarious sound effects have been added. However, if you happen to be the man cascading down the stairs towards a frosting-covered fate a good hearty bit of laughter would probably be the last thing on your mind. Yet you know that same guy will be snorting hysterically when he watches the video with it’s “bonk bonk splat” sound effects while he’s getting his cast put on in the emergency room.

4. Crabs love mushrooms with cranberry sauce.

They do.

5. No one has ever offered a crab a mushroom slathered in cranberry sauce.

This, naturally, places some doubt upon the validity of truth number four, but as I’ve yet to be disproven on either count, I stand by my proclamation. In this same strand of life-changing discoveries, I would like to elaborate and tell you also that no one has offered a pickle to a pineapple, a cookie to an antelope and regardless of that book that claims otherwise, no one has ever given a pancake to a pig. I personally have never offered a popsicle to a bullfrog, so I propose myself as the authority on the subject.

That said, I’m off to proposition a pear to a porcupine.